No-one likes being cheated on. Whether you’re a high-schooler in a ‘casual’ relationship, a young-adult looking to one day settle down with someone, or you have been married for many years, finding out that your partner has been getting involved with someone else can truly be gut-wrenching.
But before you cut ties with your cheating partner (as you definitely shouldn’t stay with a cheater) for your own peace of mind, it’s crucial to understand where your partner stands on the issue, so you can settle your own queries before moving on.
Do they feel guilty? Do they regret it? Do they still want you? You’ll want to find all of this out before finally moving on for good.
So, here are 10 questions you need to ask your unfaithful spouse.
1: Why Were You Involved in the First Place?
Before anyone engages in cheating behavior – especially if over a long period of time, as it this means it wouldn’t be a ‘slip up’ moment – they’ll know that what they’re about to do is seriously wrong.
So, the first thing that’s likely to be on your mind is, if they know they shouldn’t be doing it, then why did they?
Regardless of whether they thought they were going to get caught, why did they think it was right to engage with someone behind your back, especially considering they’d likely hate you for doing the same thing.
Whatever reason they give, it won’t justify what they did or make things ok, but it might give you an understanding of what led them to find attention elsewhere, so you have to bear this in mind for any relationships you might have in the future.
2: How Did It Go on for So Long?
Slipping up after a few drinks at a party is one thing, but an ongoing fling for weeks, months, or in some cases, years, is something else entirely.
Your spouse knew what they did was wrong, so after the first or second encounter, they know they should have ended things – so why didn’t they? Whether it was the thrill, the feelings, or the emotions, you need to know what tempted them to keep it going for so long.
3: Did You Not Feel Guilty for It?
Equally as important as why they engaged in the first place is finding out whether or not they felt guilty for their actions – either straight away, or overtime.
We’ve all made mistakes at some point in our life, but if we felt guilty for these or not will let us know how much those things meant to us and what we found most important. If they didn’t feel guilty at all, then it’s clear than they never truly cared about you or your wellbeing.
If they do say they felt guilty, then perhaps they mean it, and were just going through a weak point. Either way, it’s important for you to find out.
4: Do You Have Feelings?
This one’s a hard one to get a real answer for, but it’s an important one nonetheless. Cheating for physical enjoyment that they weren’t getting from you is very different from cheating because they’ve genuinely developed feelings for someone else.
If the answer isn’t a direct ‘no’, then it’s most likely a reluctant yes, and this will reaffirm that you need to move on and leave them behind.
5: What Was I Missing That They Had?
Whatever your spouse tells you, the reason they cheated is because they get something from someone else that they couldn’t – or thought they couldn’t – get from you.
You need to know what it was. It can be simple things like, the way they looked, their smell, the way they kissed or even how often they were willing to get intimate.
Or it can be more complicated things, like the sense of purpose they provided your spouse with, or how important they made them feel. Again, for your own closure, find out what your spouse couldn’t get from you that they could get from this other person.
6: Were You Considering a Future Together?
This one is probably the hardest one to ask. Although they may have been involved physically with the other person, perhaps even in ways they didn’t with you, having considered a future with the other person confirms that your relationship was lacking to them – both physically and emotionally.
We all find other people attractive and consider what physical encounters with them would be like, but if you’ve considered a genuine future with someone else as opposed to romantic fantasy, then all ties to your spouse have been cut.
7: How Long Has This Been Happening?
Perhaps you were on holiday just before you found out. Or maybe you’d still been dating and getting along fine. You’ll want to be able to draw a clear line between when your relationship was as healthy as you thought, and when they started going behind your back.
If you’ve been with them a long time, you’ll have built many memories with them – you’ll want to know which of those memories are real, and which aren’t.
8: Did You Tell Them About Our Personal Stuff?
Partners aren’t just for physical intimacy – a good spouse isn’t only your partner, but also your best friend, and it’s likely that you shared nearly everything with each other. Perhaps there are personal things about yourself that you’ve only told your spouse?
Or secrets and personal information that you didn’t want anyone apart from the two of you to know. If there’s anything you trusted your spouse with, they shouldn’t have told their new partner, and you’ll want to know if they did.
9: Do You Still Prefer Them Over Me?
Perhaps the most important question to ask after everything – who do they prefer? Even after knowing what they did was wrong, did they still manage to gain feelings for their new partner that they never did for you? If so, it’s definitely time to move on.
10: Did You Feel Different During the Affair?
More important than any intimacy or physical provisions is how your spouse felt with them that they didn’t feel with you. Did they feel happier? Freer? Sexier? Ask them how they felt and why they think that is.
Not sure if your partner is cheating on you but you suspect something is going on? Have you seen them constantly talking to someone and you are wondering whose number is this that they are talking to? It’s time to expose cheater by looking out for these cheating spouse text messages codes that cheaters use.